Originally Broadcast June 17, 2014

Rick Perry, the longest serving governor in Texas history, is eyeing another presidential campaign through his new Warby Parker glasses that make him look even gayer than he sounds.

Rumors about Perry and his personal chef have hung around the governor’s collar for years like the proverbial pearl necklace. You’d have to be blind not to see that Perry has been resisting homosexual urges since his youth. Maybe he hasn’t acted upon them. Maybe he’s strong enough to resist. Maybe that’s why last week Rick Perry compared homosexuality to alcoholism. Maybe Rick Perry sees homosexuality as something to be battled one day at a time, like the urge to suck down a bottle of Jim Beam or just some guy named Jim.

Rick Perry’s comments about homosexuality are lethal. When young, impressionable men hear a governor talk about homosexuality as a choice, as an illness that can be cured, he is giving bullies license to pick on young gay men who often end up committing suicide. While Perry’s predecessor George W. Bush was a white knuckle drunk, Rick Perry is a red knuckle homosexual. Red knuckle homosexual because of all the blood on his hands from the gay men who get beaten up or kill themselves because of his vicious words cloaked in false scripture. More on this later but let me assure you Jesus despises Rick Perry.

So if there are any teenage boys listening right now, I want you to hear this. Homosexual sex is healthier than heterosexual sex especially when there are two men involved. Rick Perry is a very sick man. Alcoholism is a disease. Homosexuality is not. Alcoholism will destroy you. Homosexuality will destroy you only when you pretend you’re not a homosexual, the way Rick Perry does. Don’t listen to Rick Perry he is a very sick, dangerous and wicked man.

One day the truth about Rick Perry will come out, even though he won’t. But in the meantime understand that Rick Perry is insane. Hiding in the closet makes a man insane. It’s the kind of insanity that unfocuses the mind leaving that man incredibly stupid. It explains why Rick Perry is dumb, dumb as a rock that’s been spray painted with the words “Niggerhead Ranch.” That’s right, Rick Perry owned a spot called Niggerhead Ranch and he was too stupid to see how that might be offensive.

During a presidential debate in 2012 Perry tried to list the three federal agencies he would eliminate. But then suddenly he forgot which ones, turned to the moderator, shrugged and said, “Oops.”  The only person who doesn’t remember that epic meltdown is Rick Perry because he’s an idiot.
There was a time when that depth of stupidity, when looking into a camera and saying “Oops” heralded the end of a man’s political career. But we’re talking about the GOP where intelligence is a liability where “Oops” is how that other idiot Texas Governor explained away 9/11, Katrina, Iraq and the greatest economic meltdown since the Great Depression. Oops.

During yesterday’s interview with CNBC, Perry was asked whether homosexuality could be cured, to which Perry responded that’s for psychologists to decide. When the interviewer informed him that psychologists have already decided that homosexuality can’t be cured, especially since it’s not a disease Perry changed the subject still insisting he wasn’t a psychologist.

That’s the new Republican jujitsu move to deflect attention away from their insanity. Is Climate Change man made Speaker Boehner? How the hell should I know I’m not a climate scientist. If 99.9999 percent of climate scientists believe something then does that make it true? How the hell do I know I’m not a mathematician.

Try this, it works for everything. O.J. Did you murder your wife? How the hell would I know I’m not a detective.
Governor Perry was once asked if he believed capitol punishment reduced crime. He said he did believe that. When told there was not a single study to prove capitol punishment eliminated crime, Perry said, “Well I just believe it does.”

Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Condi Rice and George Bush have all finally admitted that we never found WMDs in Iraq, and that Saddam Hussein had nothing to with 911. But that doesn’t stop publications like the Weekly Standard from insisting there were WMDs and Hussein did have something to do with 911. “Sorry, I just believe there were WMDs and Hussein was behind 911. Let’s just agree to disagree.” How about we just agree that you’re ignorant, insane, and a danger to the community.

Texas is going through its worst drought ever. In 2011 Governor Perry said it had nothing to do with the climate change caused by all those oil wells he’s drilling. Perry insisted Texans just weren’t praying hard enough, that’s why it wouldn’t rain. So he held a prayer rally at Reliant Stadium asking Jesus to make it rain. The drought got even worse and the Texas drought continues because Jesus doesn’t listen to you Governor Perry because you sicken him.

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