They just announced Ron Chernow is doing the White House Correspondents’ dinner. Gimme a break! Everyone knows Ron Chernow isn’t funny. It takes 633 pages before the first laugh. Screw him. Just another excuse not to hire another woman for the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. Samantha Bee would have been great this year. That guy couldn’t ad-lib a queef at an all you can eat Sister of Sappho buffet. 

Actually the White House Correspondents’ Dinner went with Ron Chernow because by the time of the event they will need an historian to remind us what the First Amendment was.

Well now that they’ve decided to replace the comedian with a historian maybe they can start replacing White House correspondents with actual correspondents instead of professional wrestlers. And if Ron Chernow is such a great historian, he should try making history by closing with, “Even Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ brisket farts are lies.” It’s not just comedians who must speak the truth Ron.

It’s pure cowardice to go with an historian. Historians calm the waters by putting times of crises into perspective, and offer up crap like, “America has been divided before. We’ll survive this hiccup too.” That’s not what we need to hear. 620,00 Americans died during the Civil Hiccup. 37 million people died during World Hiccup One. How many people died because Ronald Reagan ignored the AIDS Hiccup.

There’s a time and a place for historians. But we don’t need them at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. We need real journalists who are covering THE WHITE HOUSE which, in case you didn’t notice, is at war with the FIRST AMENDMENT. We don’t need to hear about John Adams and Woodrow Wilson silencing the press. I don’t want to hear about the Pentagon Papers. I don’t want perspective. I don’t want to be told to calm down because, “eventually American history corrects itself.” Millions and millions of people die and suffer before American history “corrects itself.”

It’s the job of White House Correspondents to tell us what is happening NOW. Hiring a historian is pure chickenshit. I don’t want to hear about the “genius of our Founding Fathers who gave us all the tools we need to fix the mess we’re in.” That’s religious hogwash, blind faith in fictitious white men whose Holy Writ is even more irrelevant than the Bible. (See Electoral College, Women and African American Suffrage, And Second Amendment.) Point of fact: Nothing good ever comes out of Philadelphia. (See Bill Cosby, Mario Lanza, and Cheese Steak.)

If Sarah Huckabee Sanders and Donald Trump don’t want to show up, then good, they don’t show up. It shouldn’t be us barely literate, self loathing comedians who openly challenge this administration. It should be the Washington insiders. Do your job. It’s actually quite profitable when you actually do your job. Ask Bob Woodward.

I’m sure Ron Chernow is very interesting. Especially if you’re trying to impress your date. But he doesn’t belong at The White House Correspondents’ Dinner.

Also, Hamilton sucks. Never read it, never saw the play. But I know it sucks. Because it’s a huge hit on Broadway. So, it has to suck. Because New York City sucks. If you want to know what it smells like underneath Donald Trump’s combover, ride the Q train at four a.m.