Jedediah Feldman leading our first Thanksgiving Seder.

Yesterday was Thanksgiving where I finally broke it to my mother that I’m adopted.

My children sat at the table reminding me that America is the number one producer of carbon dioxide. America has more prisoners than any country on earth. America spends more on weapons than all the countries on Earth combined while one fourth of our own children are malnourished.

Hey. Can I have one dinner without you people attacking my feculent sphincter of a country?

One night where all of us are grateful to live in the United States of America, a nation of 350 million ignorant dung beetles who care more about their toys than the Chinese slaves who make them?

Give me one dinner, one night where we take a break from enumerating the barnacles of imperfection clinging to this putrid oil tanker of racial injustice we call America. A country that I pray each night is invaded and then occupied by French Canadians.

Can’t I have one dinner, one night where I am grateful to be surrounded by friends and family? Who will be leaving in less than three hours?

Is America that bad? Is America really that terrible? Yes, of course it is.

But ease up. It’s Thanksgiving. We just reelected a guy named Barack Hussein Obama. Won’t you at least concede that occasionally we get some things right?

It’s Thanksgiving. It’s quiet. Am I a war criminal just because I want to bury my head in the sand for only one night?

No. I’m not. I’m a war criminal because my tax dollars pay for an army of drones that kill innocent women and children living in countries Congress never declared war against while I take pride in the fact that the guy ordering those killings has the middle name Hussein.

That’s why I’m a war criminal. That’s why everyone at this table are all war criminals. And war criminals don’t get pie.Now. Anyone want to talk about the Detroit Lions?