Jerry Sandusky’s Commencement Speech

Originally Broadcast June 15, 2012. Arianna Huffington’s Radio Show, I’ll Have Another, Pope Still Needs A Butler, and Histrionic Personality Disorder. Today’s program is written by Frank Conniff, Jim Earl, Guy Nicolucci, David Weiss, and Dylan Brody. It features Paul Dooley, Frank Conniff, Jeremy S. Kramer, Dylan Brody, and Ben Gleib.


  1. As Paterno used to say, “Fuck em if they can’t take a joke. And if they can take a joke, fuck them anyway.”

  2. This was one of the smartest and funniest shows youv’e done in months. Glad you r back with new ones.

  3. My Conversation With the Guardian Dental Plan

    ME: Hello Audrey. Are you a real person or is this a robot?
    SHE: I don’t know what you mean. Can I help you?
    ME: I need a root canal.
    SHE: You need to call a dentist and make an appointment.
    ME: That’s why I called you in Spokane…
    SHE: I’m in Wisconsin…
    ME: How was the election?
    SHE: I don’t go to elections.
    ME: Can you recommend an endodonist?
    SHE: How is your last name spelled and your 9 letter claim number?
    ME: It’s Abel…
    SHE: Sable?
    ME: No, Abel. That’s A as in Appalachian…
    SHE: How do you spell Appalachian?
    ME: I’m not sure. But it begins with an A, like my first name.
    SHE: How do you spell the other letters?
    ME: B as in Baltimore…
    SHE: That’s the city.
    ME: Yes. Then E as in ecstasy….
    SHE: I don’t like to hear dirty words.
    ME: Sorry. E as in enema. L as in London.
    SHE: So is your name Cable or Label?
    ME: Neither. It’s Abel. A as in…
    SHE: Never mind. I have it. What is your social?
    ME: I’m anti-social.
    SHE: I don’t understand.
    ME: I can’t give you my social security number over the phone.
    SHE: What is your claim number?
    ME: I don’t have that.
    SHE: I do now.
    ME: What is it?
    SHE: I can’t give you that information. You must give it to me.
    ME: I would love to give it to you.
    SHE: I believe I’ve had it with you. Call back and get someone else.
    ME: I’ll do that. Say goodby.
    SHE: I don’t have to. I’ll just cut you off. I’ve had my share of lame brains.
    ME: It takes one to know one.


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